Pulling Violets

God's timing not mine

"Pardon me, but do you have the time? I have to keep to a schedule, or else everything gets messed up!"

I have learned a lot about myself since I gave my life to the Lord in 2015. I always joked about being a control-freak, but I learned how serious, and detrimental that was to my walk with Jesus. I have a lot of things I've let go of and surrendered, but the control aspect is one that seems to have the deepest roots in me. I eventually got through the infancy stages and my kids are sleeping a little more regularly and consistently, so I thought  it would be a great idea to wake up super early and get my things done before they got up! This way, I wasn't feeling frustrated or annoyed that I "didn't have the time" to do them. Well I'd set an alarm for 5, get up and make coffee, round up my Bible/devotional and by the time I took a sip or opened the book, it seemed like I had ten minutes before someone woke up. I tried 4:30. That was ok, but I wasn't getting enough time to actually finish, so I figured 4 was the magic hour. It was, but I was also kind of tired first thing (go figure, right?) despite getting to bed early. So, the secret sauce was setting an alarm for 3:30, with the goal of having gone to the bathroom, making coffee, rounding stuff up and SITTING DOWN by 4. I could move slow, eyes-half-open, it was fine. I was really thriving in that routine! I was feeling encouraged, sleeping well, it was great! 

Then life happened. Shocker, I know. Well the kids went through a phase of not going to sleep as early, which was causing me to go to sleep a little later. Which caused me to be a little more tired when I woke up. This went on every other day or so, but for a few weeks. I was crushed. 

Crushed may sound dramatic, but that's exactly how I felt. I was FINALLY getting to spend my quiet time with the Lord when it was actually QUIET! I finished coffee before it was cold, and I was able to enjoy a clean house before the business of the day began. How on earth could I possibly be happy with, or OK with going back to the before?!?! 

What was my routine before, you ask?? I'd wing it. Day in, and day out- I would just wing it. I'd read or listen to the Bible whenever I could, and it usually felt pretty rushed. I couldn't enjoy using my fun markers and stickers, highlighters or journals... 

I DID make meals around the same time each day, and there were some other little things that had structure, but I was tired to the bone, and we were in survival mode, so that was about it. 

I spent a good week or two moping around and having a pity party for myself because my quiet time was ruined. (ruined is so accurate to how I was feeling, but I see now how dramatic I can be as God is trying to prune my life.)  "If I can't have quiet quiet time, it's just not going to happen." WOW. Really, Em?

I soon came to realize that I was idolizing what my quiet time looked like. Wait, what?!! Idolizing.... what my quiet time.... looked like!?

To be clear, I'm not talking about "looked like" as far as the quality of prayers going up, or what types of devotionals I was reading. I'm referring to how it ACTUALLY looked:
*Was my coffee mug cute and IG post worthy?
*Were my highlighters and pencils sharpened and aesthetic?
*Was my space clean and clear so I could sprawl out comfortably?

I wish I could remember what service PJ said it- but he said something about it not mattering WHAT it looks like, just spend time with God. 

I spent the better part of my life being HYPER-AWARE of myself because I was a people pleaser, so I knew instantly that I was doing that. My heart sank. I felt sick, and disgusted with myself. 

I took something so pure, so beautiful, and twisted it into something that probably made God sigh. I had to do better, and renew my mind and my heart around what quiet time looked like. 

Have you ever seen the Disney movie The Incredibles? Violet, the teenage daughter, can create a force-field that can protect her family against virtually anything. I decided that if waking up super early wasn't in the cards (all the time at least), I'd have to pull a "Violet". I'd have to pull a lot of Violets if I wanted to break the pattern of idolatrous quiet time. 

Things got better:

I started going to bed when I could, after the kids were asleep, without getting bent out of shape they didn't go to bed when I needed them to. I started waking up a little before the kids usually did, or let their knocks on the door wake me up. I started making coffee in (less cute) insulated mugs instead of *cute* coffee mugs. I'd get everyone situated with diapers, drinks, food, and whatever entertainment the day called for, and I'd grab my quiet time essentials. 

Things got better when I pulled Violets:

I'd sit on the couch with my Bible, devo/journal and my coffee, and I'd create an imaginary force-field around myself. Yes, the kids can see and speak to me still. Yes, I would see and still speak to them. But I would allow the sounds to bounce off, or dampen as they approached my kid-sound-sensitive-ears. I'd allow them to be children and siblings, and unless something was actually wrong, I just chilled with the Lord. My quiet time wasn't nearly as quiet as I'd like, but when I was focused on the Lord, and really trying to hear what it was He wanted to share with, or teach me-- it didn't matter what was happening around me, or where I was, or what my spread looked like. My heart posture changed. I was able to see and hear God in my quiet time more clearly in the midst of my life, than when I was sitting in the dark, quiet house all alone. What would it look like if you pulled a Violet?- blocked out the world and focused on God. Could you do that at work, school, or when you're running errands? Is there additional weeding or pruning that needs to take place for that to be effective? (Think pruning your attitude, thoughts, your mouth....) Whatever it may be, don't try harder, lean into God more.

You are the ONE He left the 99 for. Anytime you hear God's voice is GOOD.

"Teach me, and I will be quiet; show me where I have been wrong. -Job 6:24