Enjoying the bumps

Last week I had the darkest week I've had in a while. I was doing everything I could manage to pull myself out of the pit, but I needed a little time to myself. Time that was not only "to myself", but QUIET. I'd been pulled in a million different directions what seemed to be simultaneously. I felt ill-prepared, caught off guard and even ambushed at times. Life was life-in', that was for sure.

I wanted to sit down and write more, because that levels me out and gives me closure.  I wanted to listen/read the Bible without interruption; chapters, even verses would be nice. And I hate to admit this one, but I was tired of hearing "mom" as frequently as I blinked... My oldest child doesn't communicate verbally yet; so the number of tears and prayers for my children to speak that flowed out of me is like sand on the shore. Too many to count. Though what I was living was an answer to prayer, I still wanted some quiet ALONE time. 

When the kids woke up and we were getting ready for the day, I did as MUCH as I could before school drop off so that when I got home, it'd be smooth sailing. <insert sarcastic laugh here>

My youngest threw up in the car as she liked to do on days I designated as a "chill day". So that was the first 45 minutes after we got home. Then diapers were needed, snacks, and there went the early morning. I still had some time before I made lunch, and we left at 2:15, so I made sure my laptop was charged so when I was ready to go- it was too! Things went pretty smoothly, and I figured that if I brought my laptop into the room, brought the kids with me and put on a movie, I'd not only be able to sit with them but get some much needed "me things" in.  Shrek is a sure-fire way to get them laughing and distracted from mommy's shiny laptop. The music is fun and their dancing ALWAYS cheers me up. 

My oldest gets fascinated by specific scenes, so the rewind button gets worn out as we rewatch the same music scene for what seemed like an hour. The dancing started out on the floor, but the more the rewind button got pressed, dancing moved to the bed where I was sitting. My youngest was bumping to the beats. Literally- the kid has rhythm. But AS she's bumping, she's inching closer and closer, until she's right up on me. As I type, she's bumping and keeping perfect rhythm. My typing on the other hand, has become very much OFF beat.

I did type to learn and Mavis Beacon as a kid.... and I could type over 100 wpm with HIGH accuracy in middle school. So the dance party that was happening on me was totally cramping my style. I fought back tears as this was the ONE thing I wanted to do, and here it was; disrupted. In the beginning I think I actually might have blown a fuse in my brain. I was so upset and, looking back, felt very much like pulling one out of my toddler's book and throw myself on the floor and kick and scream until I got what I wanted. 

Although I didn't physically do that, that was happening in my heart. And God saw it. He met me right there on the bed with my laptop as I cried, felt guilty, felt joy, all at the same time. He didn't disregard my feelings or dismiss them. He let me get them out, and then, as only He can do, He revealed what was actually happening and gave me a glimpse of His plans. 

What started out as a hopeful writing session, quickly turned to bitterness and anger,  and then--  redeemed. I sit here, typing with pauses, and lots of clicks of the "delete" button, but relishing in the (quite literal) "bumps" along the way. 

This post will get published on time, even if that means I take up until the date it posts. The words will appear, and you'll never know how many times I had to re-type something, or how slow I was getting it on the page. What WON'T happen is a repeat of these memories with my kids. Sure we'll watch Shrek again, probably 3 times today! But not like this... In the glimpse of God's plan I was able to get, I saw laughs and hugs with my children. I didn't see laptops and blog posts. That was enough for me. I knew that even if I had to adopt the "hunt-and-peck" method-- using one finger to do all the typing-- it would be worth it to have my other arm around a kid. He was right, and His plans were best. 

 I prayed about the things I was feeling, I asked for a heart posture check, and humbled myself big time. I apologized to the kids, and became content with the fact I DID get some stuff done, and even a little excited that it happened in a way that brought me closer to God. The way I was going was DEFINITELY in the opposite direction. 

Have you ever seen those little "roller coaster tracks" that sit on a desk, and have a steel marble on them? You put the marble on this bumpy track and it just propels itself around and around due to the momentum it gets from going up and down all the bumps.

What if the bumpy track is our life, and the marble is us + God? 

When We (us + God) go down a deep, scary season in our lives, God is there holding us tightly, no matter how fast we're falling; making sure we're ok! Then, with His strength, He pulls us out of it! PHEW! The more we allow God to lead the way, to pull us THROUGH valleys to the TOPS of mountains, the more momentum and trust we will have to face future bumps. With Him of course- and, yes. It will still be scary. 

What bumps are you facing right now that you're trying to face alone? Is God part of that battle plan? Or are you the Lone Ranger? I'd ask you to be honest with yourself, as I've had to do a LOT lately, and ask yourself if you're truly letting God lead, or if you're ever-so-kindly-pointing-out-where-He-should-go?

Thanks to the glimpse of His plan, and the visual of the desk roller coaster, I realize that the bumps I'm facing are intentional, and I'm gaining so much momentum in my race to the glorious finish line that is Heaven. 

You are the ONE He leaves the 99 for. Do you trust Him?