I FELT Surrender

I don't know about you, but I experience a LOT of emotions during the course of the day. Feeling rushed is my LEAST favorite "day-to-day" feeling. I obviously am not a huge fan of being terrified, betrayed, grief or heartbreak, but I'm talking about your run-of-the-mill emotions on a "normal" day. 

I plan, schedule, and execute my days (generally) in ways to prevent me feeling rushed, because when I'm not rushed, I am: less irritable, more patient, happier, laugh more, rest, more tolerant, etc. A not rushed Emily is a better Emily. 

That being said, my second least favorite feeling would either be losing control/fear. I've thought about both of these closely, and for me, it's a "chicken and the egg" situation. I get afraid of losing any control I have, and I lose control when I get afraid. So for me, they are tied at #2. 

I have a son who's non verbal and has Autism. He's got a belly laugh, beautiful eyes, a twinkle in those eyes, and when he's up to something-- the CUTEST smirk. Also- a GREAT head of hair- speaking as a professional, not just a mom 🤣 Due to Covid shutting the world down, we weren't able to get his diagnosis when he was 3.... or 4, or 5. My son was SIX until we could get him diagnosed. YEARS we spent unsure of what to do, where to go, who to talk to. Without a diagnosis, things were SO expensive, and limited. Though it was clear that was his diagnosis (which let me clarify right now-- does NOT define him), our hands were tied to some extent. I can only speak for myself here, but when we got the unofficial diagnosis, I was crushed. I was a believer when this happened, yet I couldn't find any peace or comfort... NONE of the things I was reading about, or told that I would have. Well a year or so went by, and I finally realized I wasn't feeling any of those things because I hadn't surrendered it to the Lord. I was still trying to control something I clearly couldn't control. I felt robbed of the life with our son I THOUGHT we would have. I felt like HE got short changed. Then, when I surrendered to the Lord the control I was desperately clinging to, I saw my son for who HE WAS, rather than a diagnosis. 

everything. changed. 

I was still bummed about some aspects, but I had HOPE. I hadn't ever had that around this, it was surreal. I thought that was "it", and the end of my journey of surrendering things pertaining to my son. 

hahahahahahhahhahahahah..... <God laughs at me>

Fast forward to our middle daughter signing up for Pre-K4. She's in school, our oldest doing stuff for school at home. When we drop her off he's looking at the other kids, wearing her backpack around. The Holy Spirit is doing nothing short of smacking me upside the head, and I'm putting on a figurative hard-hat to lessen the sting of said smacks. 

My husband has brought sending him to school before, but if I'm being honest, social media had me TERRIFIED to send him to public school. Viral videos of kids who has Autism, or were nonverbal being terribly mistreated.... This momma was SICK for those kids/families, and I COULD NOT LET THAT HAPPEN TO MY BOY. 

*I DO KNOW there are more GOOD teachers than not, but please place yourself in my shoes, with YOUR kid, and you may at least SEE how I came to these conclusions.*

Well the Christian school we send our daughter to doesn't have the resources to take on our son yet, so aside from praying that changes SOON, we had to look at other options. I was afraid, sure, but the enrollment process was SOOOO overwhelming to me. Even if this was for our neurotypical daughter- it is just a lot for me. Well since my husband works outside the home, it wasn't easy for him to make calls and emails, but I put that on him. 

A few weeks ago, I had a breakdown and a breakthrough. Though my feelings for wanting my son to be loved, cared for and protected at school are very valid feelings, my actions of NOT enrolling him wasn't just about not trusting the school system, but I wasn't trusting GOD!

Ugh, talk about feeling like the ultimate disappointment. I have this Heavenly Father who loves ME enough to sacrifice HIS Son I can have an abundant life... and I can't even trust MY (aka HIS) son to enroll in school?!?! Like come on Em.... you're really gonna say that YOUR plan is better than God's?!?!  Duh. 

I knew that my plan wasn't better than His. Yet here I was.... letting MY plans take the lead. I am SO thankful for the accountability of my sisters in Christ. They lovingly reminded me that not only was I not trusting God, I was holding my son back from what God has planned for him. Those were hard pills to swallow, but they were right. 

With a LOT of love, prayer, and encouragement, I started the process of filling out the application to get my son enrolled in school. I did as much as I could, with lots of tears, and then hit a stumbling block. I wanted to just slam my laptop closed, but I made a phone call and TALKED to someone to help me proceed. Medical was the next step, so the application was on hold. My husband printed the forms we needed the Dr's to fill out, and after dropping them, I was able to escape back to the false reality I had created for myself out of preservation. That Dr's office is EFFICIENT, because what I was told would take 10-14 days, took 4. My little dream-world-bubble popped, and back to reality I went. We didn't get it in time to submit before EOD on Friday, so I gave myself permission to wait until Monday when the office was open to complete the application. 

I could have completed it at any time over the weekend, so it was just DONE, and I could be free from this chain weighing me down... but I chose to hold onto control a little while longer. 

Here we are, on Monday morning. Last night I was thinking that I have to get it done, but I was also kind of like "eh, I'll get to it when I get to it."

On our drive to drop my daughter off at school, I was at a stop sign and I reached for my phone to check a notification on social media. I pulled my hand back, and began to pray. I prayed I would be strong enough to not open my phone for any email, social media, or anything other than responding to texts from my husband. I'd get home, make some food for the kids, finish laundry, and then FINISH THAT APPLICATION AND HIT SUBMIT. When it came time to sit down and open my laptop, I found myself putzing around the kitchen a little out of avoidance. 

I HATE the feelings I have around this, yet here I am rolling in the mud as if I LOVE it?! What is WRONG with me!??!

Because of security reasons, I had to re-enter a lot of the last section I was in. I had all the documents digitally this time. (thanks to my friend for holding me accountable to the point of making me download a scanner app so there was NO excuse for me not to finish today.) 

I got everything entered and uploaded, and then I saw the BRB.

The BIG. RED. BUTTON.

"are you sure you're ready to submit?" I felt like it was mocking me, knowing that I was sick over this. What's wild is, it isn't the APPLICATION that scares me, it's everything after that. If I push this button, I'm opening the doors to what comes next. That's when it hit me. 

That's what I needed to do; open the doors to what comes next. Because what comes next is exactly what God intended to. 

I had a peace about me.... and I FELT the surrender of what was going to happen next to the Lord. I don't know how to explain it, but if I had to paint a picture for you- imagine when a football player takes off their helmet when they get to the sidelines in a winter game. The STEAM just rolling off their heads.... That's how I felt; but it was pouring from my heart. 

I thought that when I submitted everything, I would be almost giddy- happy that I FINALLY did the thing I was so afraid of doing. But the truth is, I cried a LOT. I reached out to my Bible study table for prayer and encouragement as I proceed on the journey. I texted my best friends for accountability, and more encouragement/prayer because .... well, best friend? 

My planner has a place for "priorities". I hadn't gotten around to my planner yet, because I did my Bible readings, and then got kids ready for school first. So by the time I got to my planner, the "Priority" I had for the day was already done. (That's my next post, so stay tuned!) But now, before lunchtime, I am able to relish in the comforts the Lord has given me, and enjoy these moments with my son at home, because soon, God is going to watch over him in SCHOOL.

Whatever you are holding onto, whatever you can't let go of because "you got this", I am praying that you can trust the Lord to not only take care of it, but deliver a result we ourselves could NEVER achieve. 

Lord, may we relinquish the false sense of control we have over our lives, and begin to trust You whole heartedly. Trust you with decisions like careers, finances, family, and relationships. Fill us with courage to face our fears, knowing You are with us. 

You are the ONE He left the 99 for. He wants you to trust Him.