let down

Have you ever done something, been let down, and then kind of not wanted to do it again?

For me, it's not the "falling off the bike" that makes me not want to get back on. It's the feeling of being let down that I couldn't do it that keeps me from wanting to try again.

I've been struggling with prayer. Not the act of praying, but how I'm praying. 

I don't know if it's laziness, complacency, contentment or trust; but I've only just recently started to pray with deeper specifics. I would be more specific when I'd pray for others, but when it came to prayers for me, I say  something to the effect of "God, you know my heart..." and left it at that. 

Recently, a SIC (sister in Christ) shared how she prayed for a very specific outcome in a scary situation. Her faith was beautiful, and so was the outcome. Her prayers aligned with God's will and her praise report was something of wonder! That got me really looking at my prayer, the quality of time I was spending in the Word, and whose will I was asking to be done.

I finally started to pray for specifics: specific dates, numbers, outcomes, etc. I can't just say "Lord, You know my heart." I have to ASK for the desires of my heart and pray for those desires fervently.

Along with praying for specific things, I also had to really search my heart, and more importantly- the Word. I looked deeper at what I was asking, and seeing if it glorified God, or if it glorified ME. I asked that if it didn't align with God's Will, that the door not only be so clearly closed, but that I learn to see what would align.

This week was full of a lot of firsts for me! Due to past hurts, I have a tendency to avoid getting my hopes up. It's such a wonderful feeling- getting your hopes up. But that feeling when you come crashing down if things don't work out... not so wonderful. If I'm being honest, I really don't know if the excitement of getting my hopes up outweighs the feeling of the let down. That's a hard one for me, especially leading up to now.

Over the course of this week, as I was praying for what I was seeking, I also put way more emphasis on HIS will being done than I ever had before. Also that the prayer be answered how I was asking ONLY if would glorify God. As "good" as that would be to have that prayer answered, I didn't want it if it would bring me and my family farther from Him. I wasn't naive to the thought that I could be missing something because of my flesh. I mean, I've done it before. 

Another prayer I added over the course of the week was that since I had never asked for a specific prayer like this before, that I get the testimony of a VERY SPECIFIC prayer being answered. I just was so excited about the idea of me finally wising up and asking and seeking God how I should have been all along, I thought I'd add this to my list. Seek and you will find.

Days went by, and I got my hopes up a little more with each prayer. I know the risks of getting your hopes up and I got them up anyway. The first "deadline" I prayed for came and went, but I was still hopeful. I trusted God's plan. With the second "deadline" approaching, I was really getting excited because I KNEW God was going to come through with something that would absolutely blow our minds. 

12 hours before the "deadline" I asked for, we got the news the prayer wouldn't be answered- at least how I had hoped. I had spent a week praying, trusting, getting my hopes up; and just like that, the door was shut. 

If I'm being honest, I didn't really prepare myself for this, because all week I was so sure we'd be celebrating with an answered prayer at the end of the week. So today is the day, right? Today is the day I experience the "let down" after getting my hopes up all week...

But God.

I did celebrate. I did celebrate with an answered prayer, without the feeling of disappointment or being let down. 

I may not have knowingly prayed this prayer, but I wanted to deepen my prayer life and learn to align myself with God's Word and His Will, and that's exactly what I got. I learned that "getting my hopes up" only leads to disappointment and let down when I'm putting my faith in me, or the world. When I'm putting my faith in God and trusting what He can do, getting my hopes up is a 5 STAR experience. Highly recommend. 

Wow, what a shift. I'm finally associating the only "let down" comes from what I impose on myself because I am just assuming that my timeline, my ideas, and my plans are better than what God has for me. (Like I have done at least once in every post I make, I realize how dumb that sounds after I type it. That's just proof you're getting a real version of my life and not some glammed up version that makes me look like I have it all together.) I don't make plans or pray prayers thinking "God, I know You have something in the works, but I'd rather You just do it my way because I really know what I need." I'm not THAT crazy. But how I've been praying in the past, or rather how I've been responding to how God answers my prayers, kinda looks like I was thinking that. Or at least I wasn't totally trusting Him with working it out for my good. 

 I don't know what is coming, going or staying. What I do know is that whatever it is He has in store, requires me to be refined and prepared to receive these immense blessing. Sounds good to me! Until I really think about what the refining looks like in my life. So far it's manifested in: discord in relationships, isolation, intrusive thoughts, sickness, communication problems, struggles with kids, just all kinds of tension and hard choices having to be made. 

*weakly screams 'yayyyyy'*

So as I write this, God has closed the door; at least how I had planned. But I'm hopeful that He is going to provide something even better. I know He is. I'm also excited to see WHEN and HOW that happens. I'm not going to sink back and grumble. Life will go on, and I'm going on too because I don't want to miss anything that God's got coming for me! 

Has God answered a prayer, by answering differently than you thought? Did you hear "no, you can't have this!", rather than, "I've got something better. Wait in faith."?

I've done that. Probably a lot. But man, seeing- no, LIVING- that waiting for HIS PLAN, in faith and in the Word, changes everything. That isn't some earth-shaking revelation, but sometimes it's the "simple" things that are the most challenging. I leave you with these 2 verses that spoke to me in the waiting, and pray that the Lord shows you something big in these as well! 

"The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him," - Lamentations 3:25

"Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; therefore he will rise up to show you compassion. For the LORD is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!" - Isaiah 30:18

YOU are the 1 He left the 99 for. What are you waiting for? Is it God?