... the day I'll likely have

Today is the first day in at least 2 months I haven't had a headache. It's only 1:30 in the afternoon, and I do feel one coming, but I'm still going with it's a no-headache-day. 

I get them for various reasons: weather, stress, exercise/tension headaches, sleeping wrong, loud noises, bright lights. Too much water, not enough...

Before you get concerned, I've already made an appointment, and I'm ok. Aside from the fact I get a lot of headaches. It's just the season of life I'm in.

I lead with that because it gives you some background and context into what I'm about to say next. 

If you've ever suffered from headaches or migraines, you know how terrible they are. Somedays I feel like I could just sleep for days until the pain goes away. Sometimes I'm so sensitive to light and sound that even the slightest thing feels like lightening to my head. That was my life for the past few months. With the exception of today. 

I'm used to headaches, and having to live my life with them. Doesn't matter what's going on, I likely have a headache. It's not my favorite thing, but most of my headaches are manageable and I can still operate in my daily routine. So after the first week or so, it was just business as usual. Nothing to be concerned about. 

But then it became a month. Then 6 weeks. Then 2 months... I really think it was closer to 3 months at this point, but who knows. I was crying out in the mornings for relief. I was PLEADING for relief at drop off and pick up. I was desperate for relief in the evening before bedtime. I was praying for all sorts of different ways God could get creative with relief for me. I got pretty creative in the drop off and pick up hours, let me tell you. Nothing rattles my head like a screaming toddler and loud iPads. 

I was stressed out, overstimulated, burnt out, angry, bitter. (just to name a few..) I felt like no matter what I did, it resulted in tears, yelling, and my headache just compounding into something bigger.

Despite the fog I was living in, I did get blessed with moments of clarity. Those moments were CLEARLY telling me what an entitled brat I was being.... but it was clarity nonetheless. 

It was in those moments I realized that I was actually battling with pride, control, and most of all- contentment. I want things to go my way. I wanted EVERYTHING to go my way because of these headaches. I mean, that was the least they could do to help a hurting mama out, right??? 

I was in so much pain almost all of the waking hours, it was getting harder and harder to answer without snapping. I would apologize after, and even ask for prayer from my kids. But these headaches made it real easy for me to hand over my patience and joy. I was praying and asking for help, guidance, "for things to just go my way for once." (if that doesn't read like entitlement, you read it wrong. I was a total brat)

Weeks of prayers like that went by. Then in a moment of clarity- you know, the ones where God really shows me how ridiculous and "Israelite-wandering-and-grumbling-through-the-desert" I was being- that I was suffering like I was because I was not content in any sense of the word. 

I was battling with contentment. I had to change the way I was praying. 

 l had been praying for everything and everyone around me to change. Sure, that would have made things easier. But the easiest way for me to have joy and less pain and suffering was to stop trying to control everything and everyone around me, and just focus on getting my own heart right. My heart's posture was crooked. I wasn't grateful for much because, in my eyes, the blessings were all drowned out by the ongoing pain in my head. 

I thought about my prayers over the last few months, especially through the lens of my lack of contentment. So, I humbled myself and changed my prayer.

Rather than praying for the days I wanted, "needed", I thought I deserved.... I said a prayer for the day I'd likely have.

It went something like this:

Lord, I'm likely going to have a headache again tomorrow. Please help me not be such a grouch to everyone around me. Help me be able to make it through without as much pain medicine. Help me not be so reactive to the noises. Help me remember they're kids, God. My daughter is likely to scream a lot. Help me meet her with grace rather than anger. Put me aside to enjoy what I DO have so I don't spend another day in (physical) pain and misery. I know I'm irritable but please help me not go from  0 to 6 0 every time. Or at least delay or soften it when I do. I'm sorry ahead of time. I'm sorry. I'm trying.... I'm sorry. 

Then I went to bed. 

When I woke up, it felt a little weird to not have a headache. But if they weren't there first thing, they came around within the first 30 minutes of me waking up. Well 15 minutes came and went, no headache. Something felt off.... like maybe I wouldn't have a headache today!! Not only do I only have a super tiny headache, I was able to get some serious tasks done this morning, and my kids cooperated! The screaming was minimal, the laughs were abundant, and God's hand was evident. 

I'm likely going to have a headache again tomorrow, maybe even the next day. My kids are probably going to scream, a lot, because they're kids. I learned, or re-learned rather, a lesson I'd written about before. Joy isn't taken, it's given away. I was not content, and I was bitter and angry about it. I gave away whatever joy I had with every throb in my head. I also learned a beautiful thing about prayer. I've heard it time and time again, "This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us." 1 John 5:14

I felt a little like the Israelites in the wilderness as I'm looking back on these last few months. They were put in the wilderness so they could walk through and get to the promise land, but they were stinkers and it took 40 years for them to learn the lesson. Maybe God gave me that headache in hopes I'd correct my lack of contentment quickly. But, because I, too, am a stinker... it took me a few months. Who knows. But I am so grateful to have one more experience to look back on. One more experience- first hand- of how God's timing is perfect. How everything He does is worked out for GOOD. I'm so blessed. Truly. The coolest thing though, is you are too!! God wants nothing but the best for you. And he's willing to use any and everything to show that to you.

The day I thought I'd likely have, wasn't the day I had at all. It was an ordinary day, but because God's hands were all over it, it became extraordinary. 

What is God trying to reveal to you? Is He showing you a stronghold you need to break free from? Is he showing you an opportunity to glorify Him, but it's scary? I don't know what He's doing in your life, but you won't either until your time with Him is honest, sincere, and entered into with an honest, open and willing heart. 

 I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. Philippians 4:11

YOU are the 1 He left the 99 for. How will you be praying today?