what now?

"What now?"

I feel like that phrase can take on so many forms depending on the context. In my personal experience, every time I've said "what now?" was usually associated with something negative. Something went wrong at work, miscommunication with a friend, someone was mad at me, I let myself down... you get the drift. 

I'd like to say this happened less after I accepted Jesus, but it was consistent. The biggest shift was just that I understood God was working and trying to teach me something. But it was still met with a little dread.

A few days ago, I became a whistling tea kettle. Everything that was brewing and festering inside of me came to a boil, and I blew my top. Thankfully I didn't lose it on anyone. I just let the floodgates of my heart open and poured it all out to God. I confessed things I felt convicted about- decisions and choices I've made. I asked for forgiveness for the lack of faith and obedience, for letting pride and ego get in the way of what He had planned for me.  

It was a lot. Over the course of 9 hours I laughed, cried, sobbed, praised, wept, confessed, pleaded, questioned, acted like I had it together, fell apart, raised my hands, fell to my knees. By the time the day was over I felt like I had run an emotional marathon. If you know me, you probably can easily pick me out of a crowd for my blue hair, blue eyebrows, and some kind of hat. Today, I invite you to really get to the heart of The One Society. The heart of me. In an overwhelming moment, I knew this was the beginning of a breakthrough for me. It was something I really wanted to share with whoever God needed it to reach. But I was not "camera ready". I was sobbing and my face was inflated, I was sniffling and had a hard time catching my breath to parent; let alone do a live video.  Plus my face.... I was afraid to be seen. 

Have you ever felt like that? It literally feels like someone shut a door right in your face as you're trying to make some progress. But that punk who slammed the door was you. That was me in those moments. 

Then, in my fear of being exposed for the real, 37 year old woman who over plucked her blonde eyebrows, I almost held back a lesson that God showed me. *almost*

I didn't go live. But I did record a video, and you can find it at the bottom of the post.

I'm not going to recap much else about the puffy eyes, or the breaking of the clay (me) God did that day. You can watch the video if you'd like. 

But what I would like to talk about, is what happened at the end of the time I spent pouring out my heart, honestly, to God. I cried SO MUCH I literally thought my tear ducts were swept away by the flood that happened that day. I poured so much out that I wasn't sure if anything was left. Time kind of stood still. It felt like 30 minutes this was happening, but it was hours. Towards the end of my conversation with God, I started to become a little more.... self-aware? I noticed that the hot tears on my face were less of a flood, and more of a trickle. My heart rate had slowed and my breathing wasn't as labored. I had shared the deepest darkest things God knew, but was just waiting for me to tell Him. 

If tears were falling at this point, it's because I was forcing them. I literally just stood there in my kitchen asking myself, "wait, am I still sad?"

The answer was yes. But I was free now. I didn't have the crushing weight of carrying an unnecessary load. So, as I stood there like a stranger in an unknown place, I asked myself "what now?"

But a good "what now?" this time! Kind of like when you finish a task SUPER EARLY, and you all-of-a-sudden have alllll this extra time on your hands? 

Now that I wasn't spending time thinking about all of those things and how *I* was going to handle them, it felt weird. Which stunk because I then realized how much of my life those things were occupying. But even that thought didn't matter because those things were behind me. If I'm being honest, they're behind me for now. I like to think I'll learn from this, but I don't know if I ever want to FULLY learn. It felt really good to surrender those things to the ONE PERSON who can actually do something about them, and I know if *I learned everything I needed to know*, I- in all my human glory- would just stop seeking Him, or thinking "I can take it from here, Chief."

dumb I know... but I know myself, and I can make dumb choices sometimes. 

So if you feel like you're carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders, I'd encourage you to remember that we are not martyrs out here for the cause. Holding on to the struggles, circumstances, situations, etc., are doing nothing but holding us back and chaining us to things we should be trying to break away from. I'd like to leave some scriptures that spoke to me during these times, and hope that God speaks to you through these verses to break a stronghold today. He can do it, after all. 

Romans 12:2 (A verse I've heard a thousand times, but was used powerfully this day.) Do not conform to patterns of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is- His good, pleasing and perfect will.

Job 22:21  Submit to God and be at peace with him; in this way prosperity will come to you.

Proverbs 3:6 In all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight. 

Romans 8:7 The mind governed by the flesh is hostile to God; it does not submit to God's law, nor can it do so.

YOU are the 1 He left the 99 for. What are you going to do with the free time when you surrender that thing to the Lord?

If you'd like to watch the video I mentioned above, click here.