What's your name?
Hi, I'm Emily. What's your name?
I wouldn't go as far to say I had a bad childhood; or even a bad upbringing. I did have a lot of inner turmoil, though. Despite growing up with a roof over my head, food in my belly, and a family who loved me, I can look back and say the following statement with confidence:
I was under spiritual attack from a very young age.
I remember having thoughts at a young age that have stuck with me, only to realize those were not thoughts any child should be having; and they weren't planted there by my parents, school, or family/friends. Maybe I saw something on TV, or in a movie. I mean, I'm an 80s baby. Things were different back then. Either way, those thoughts festered inside of my brain. And, paired with some external factors outside of my control, they made their way into my heart.
Lower elementary, Jr. High, High School, even college were riddled with awful, self-deprecating thoughts. On the outside, you'd have seen an outgoing, fun, "life-of-the-party" gal. Inside, however, was an entirely different story. If there was an insult you could give, I was giving it to myself:
"I'm fat"
"I'm ugly"
"I'm not good enough"
"I'm not smart enough"
"I have no idea what you're doing"
"nobody really likes the real you" , and so on....
When I'd try to talk to someone and finally open up, it always kind of got dismissed. Not in a not-caring-kind-of-way, but like it was hard to believe because of how I always "seemed" to be. Maybe I should have been an actress?🤔
But rather than re-live everything, I'd just kind of laugh it off, let it fizzle out, and went on my way. No matter how many times they'd compliment or encourage, nothing ever seemed to do the trick.
At the time I'm writing this, I'm 37. (I feel 27, so that's crazy🫣) But these things I'm talking about were MOSTLY early childhood through my early 20s. It wasn't until a Sunday service a few months ago that my Pastor said something that really clicked after all these years.
I'm paraphrasing here, because I remember stopping dead in my tracks and just being totally captivated. He wasn't even talking about being hard on yourself, or overly critical. He was in John 9. And in the middle of what he was saying, PJ (how I'll be referencing Pastor Jeff from here on out), with a whole lot of conviction, made a comment about the "I Am" and how He thinks of and views us. More importantly:
how it's not important what anyone besides Him thinks of us. 🤯🤯
How God views us.... wow. That's pretty different from how I'm viewing myself! Others, too!
so, wait. I'm big on either the Bible is true or God is a liar. And since I am NOT about to have the earth open up and swallow me and my fam up like he did to Aaron's kids for being disobedient, I'm going to go ahead and believe that what God says about me, that's true. And anyone else's opinions-- including mine-- don't. matter.
Who does God say we are?
** Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God— John 1:12
** I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. -- John 15:15
** Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death.-- Romans 8:1-2
** because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death. -- 2 Corinthians 5:17
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3 decades of being cruel to myself, insulting God's creation. Doubting His ability, His design... All of that seemed to almost disappear because of the gravity of that statement and how that spoke to me. <Praise God for having ears that hear!>
I'm not to the point where those things don't slip out at all- unfortunately it feels like muscle memory sometimes 😩 But thanks to God speaking through PJ that day, when I find myself saying things like "I am <something negative here>", I wince a little and check myself. Who am I to call God's creation that is me, anything less than wonderful, beautiful or special? So the next time I'm going to listen to someone's opinion of me, their name better be God if I'm going to put any stock in it.
If you've hung on this long, I'd like to offer one more nugget of perspective the next time you're being even the slightest bit hard on yourself... Be a sport and play along?
I want you to say something TRUE about God, like this:
"God is good" or "God is kind".
Now I want you to say something FALSE about God, like this:
"God isn't good enough" or "God doesn't care about me"
Now, if you're familiar with the Bible, or even if you're new to it, you may have heard your Pastor refer to God with a few different names, one of them being "I AM". That name never really meant much to me until I started to put it together that, if THAT is His name, and I was created in His image.... uh oh. I messed up.
See, when I'm being my own worst critic, I say things like:
"I am not worthy of love"
"I am not good enough"
"I am not able to do that"
"I am fat"
"I am not smart enough"
😳😳😳Did you catch it? Look again below👇🏼
See, when I'm being my own worst critic, I say things like:
"I am not worthy of love"
"I am not good enough"
"I am not able to do that"
"I am fat"
"I am not smart enough"
Next time I go to criticize myself, an image bearer of CHRIST, I'll think twice before being so hard on myself- because NONE of those things are true about our Lord. Remember Who you're listening to, and Who you're really talking about. 🤎
You are the ONE He left the 99 for. say it with me: I AM loved, I AM worthy, I AM forgiven.